My Uterus was acting like a Bitch so I evicted her!

(Please excuse my French, there’s a lot of it in this post)

 My husband says “It’s all Eve’s fault!” I’m beginning to think he was right. No wonder I don’t like apples!

A year and a half ago I had my left ovary and fallopian tube removed due to ovarian torsion caused by a cyst the size of a grapefruit. I thought that would take away my uterine problems, but instead of returning her to just a 5-7 day nuisance, she became a raging Bitch!

For the first 2-3 days that the circus is in town (more on that later) I am completely debilitated by periods so heavy that super plus tampons have to be changed every 45 minutes. Yes, I have even tried using pads, but I absolutely despise those things! But more about that later on.

Aside from that, I have a small logistics problem unshared by anyone else at my company. My office is located across a huge lot from our main buildings. There are two restrooms located in the building across from us. Both are family-style restrooms situated next to each other. However, I work in a department where 92% of the staff are men and when theirs is occupied they use what I like to refer to as my bathroom. I also work in a green environment where our products contain no chemicals or scent. So no air fresheners are allowed.

Oh, and I hate public restrooms. If you’ve ever visited one that isn’t cleaned hourly then you know what I’m talking about. Periods are the messiest thing a girl’s got to deal with. Tampons are inconspicuous and I can just put one in my bra when I need to make a pit stop. Not just that, but I hate period smell. Eloquent, huh? I don’t care how hygienic you are. In my mind, if I can smell it someone else can too. Also, I only wear thongs; not that you asked. When you have a big ass and 48” hips you either suffer from constant wedgies, or you learn to love thongs. Nothing wrinkles, crimps, or slides. It’s just there!

But I digress. About 6 months ago the heavy bleeding and accompanying labor-like, yes I did say labor-like pains became so debilitating I had to start taking time off from work. Now I know that many of you are like labor-like pains? What the fuck!? Nope, not exaggerating. Apparently I have small uterine fibroids helping to make my life miserable. At only a couple cm’s though, you’d think they wouldn’t have this much affect. The first 2-3 days of what I like to call hell feels like I’m in labor. Having had four kids naturally I’m not exactly what you call a lightweight. The third and fourth day of my period are more manageable but I walk like someone needing a walker, or a burrito, as my mother-in-law calls it. You lost mad cool points when you’re rocking a pencil skirt to work and walking like you’ve been horseback riding for the first time.

So finally I got tired of my uterus acting like a Bitch and evicted her!

It’s been six days since my hysterectomy. Being an extremely independent woman this is probably one of the most difficult times I’ve been through because I can’t do shit. My boss has ensured that no one at work bothers me so I’m not even getting emails. Most people would appreciate this, but being anal (with my stuff anyway) worker bot me it’s extremely difficult!

However, I can sit and lay in a chair or on the couch like nobody’s business! I can sort of take a shower, but hubby is always there for safety. Yeah, sure! When I want to willingly (absolutely unheard of) take a nap because breathing exhausts me I can go up and down the stairs now. I can actually do that now without someone hanging onto me, but someone’s always there to ensure the rambunctious kitties don’t accidentally trip me or I slip and fall. I’m healing well and I’m told I’m doing excellent, but for now I’m feeling mostly useless.

I am truly grateful for hubby, the kids, and my mother-in-law who made arrangements to come take care of us until I’m fully recovered. I plan on writing a post of my experience pre and post op as soon as I stop slurring my words from the meds.

The Broad